November 24th, 2013


Fuck You Universe, I'm Going to Win

I'm stressed. Unbelievably, unrealistically, horribly stressed. I'm tired. I'm bitter, I'm angry. And above all, I'm poor, which is about 99% of the issue.

I'm sick of being judged on my choices. I'm sick of being told what I should/shouldn't/could've done. I'm sick of it. Advice is one thing, but the badgering is entirely different. I don't need you telling me how I fucked up, why I should stop trying, or in the one fun case, the advice to kill myself. (I'm serious, heard that from someone on a singles site)

Do I want some instant fix? Sure, why wouldn't I? I'm smart, I'm capable, why am I not employable? Even at home? Why do you not want to hire me?

Do you think I enjoy getting disability? So that I can have yet one more person behind me in line at the grocery store grumble when I use my EBT card about how I'm "living free" on their taxes? I mean, the card doesn't swipe, the cashier has to type it in, everyone and their brother knows it's an EBT card and I've got food stamps. And god help me, there's food in there including the first steak I've had in probably 6 months. How fucking dare I. People on food stamps can have spaghetti. No meat. Sauce if you're a good girl. And don't even pretend to put that tilapia in your cart, Seafood? What? Do you think you are people you stupid poor person?

I've got a trailer that my wonderful grandfather helped me to get, and when I got it, it was lovely. Tarquin and I were so happy, we had far more space than we needed, nice floors, wonderful bright sunlight, we were happy.

Then the minor things began. First, the roof leaked. Then, we discovered giant orange mushrooms under the kitchen sink. Then the mold began and I got ill. Dangerously ill. I nearly died. Oh, hey, by the way, medical bills, on your tax dollars. Because I'm poor, and no real doctor will see you here if you've got medicaid. So off to the emergency room I go to have my lungs checked. And go ahead and ask me how my birthday went a year or so back. Yeah, that'd be the year my liver and pancreas finally had enough of my stress and shut down causing me to be in the ICU for a week and in the hospital for a month. Great weight loss program tho.

And then my son, has no other choice, no college for poor people, the NAVY will take him. So now I've got the one person I could count on being around, gone. Into Japan, for 5 years. Thanks government. And you wonder why I hate you. Might be because you hate me and my son.

Every winter in this trailer? No water. Because it'll freeze. No concrete pad here, directly on dirt, so the pipes freeze at the ground level. And sure, I could skirt, but I don't have $600 or better to put into skirting this place. I put $800 into a new kitchen and don't have counters or running water in there. What, you expect miracles? C'mon now. I've kinda reached passive aggressive about this entire water issue. In summer the pipes pop apart, in winter, they freeze. I've never had water continuously running here for longer than a month. Ever. Go ahead, check my references on that. And I haven't had a shower here in about a year. I shower at whichever friend is kind enough to come pick me up and let me be a clean poor person.

And then the hot water tank exploded, replaced by a smaller 6 gallon one, but hey, don't forget, water is froze. Personally, I think it was jealous that I call the leaking roof my "water feature" and it wanted to prove it could be the best water feature it could be. The little darling.

The bathroom in my room has a nice garden tub. Too bad I can't use it. Had to rip all the walls out and that including taking out the fixtures, and no being able to hire anyone to do walls and floors this time folks, I did it myself so of course, it looks like shit and still only about 3/4 done. That, by the way, has now cost me around $800 as well, the new water tank was actually a birthday gift. Did I mention the water froze?

"Well, move"

Yep, I'll get right on that. I can pack it all up, and have it all ready to go, the moving van should magically show up at the door because I just have to move, right? I can't pay for it or anything, do you take trades? I'm not above trading sex for a moving van at this point.

Hang on, this wand isn't working, are you sure that "accio u-haul" is the right spell?

Oh, and can I live in the van for a while? See, I pay $250 a month here, but since you said move, I should do that. I mean, I'm not really homeless, I'll just have the van drop me and my stuff off under the bridge and I'll build me a nice fort.

"Well, you've got that embroidery machine, and that couldn't have been cheap, you're not really running a business after all."

That's not because people like you surf, look, tell me how wonderful my stuff is, and then never buy it or anything. Nope. Has nothing to do with it at all. Entirely different thing. I need to just stop being creative and see if Walmart will let a bipolar fat chick with serious back problems work for them. I hear they treat their employees pretty good. At least I'll have health care, right? And I hear they even do can drives so their employees can eat.

By the way? That machine? Bought for me by, you guessed it, that young man protecting you in the NAVY. Also, I bargain shopped, machine was well under $400. Not that I need to justify that to a judgy mcjudgepants like you.

"Well, you've got internet, you can't be that bad off"

Yeah. My son pays for that, I have no cell phone, not even a flip phone, I spend around $200 a month on food, sometimes entirely out of my own pocket because my government that is for the people decided that I didn't need a week's worth of food and cut the food stamp budget.

I also have a 10 year old computer, and up until last week, an Acer netbook that decided life was too hard and died on me. Ever used one of those Walmart netbooks? I bet you realize it earned its death.

And I'm SUCH a gadget geek. You think I like having no awesome Droid, and a computer that sometimes decides not to work at all? Yep. LOVE IT.

But hey, thanks for that reminder that I'm dependent on a 21 year old guy defending you from a ship in the middle of the ocean and who should be in college and flirting with girls.

"Well, you said you're going to Japan in January"

Yup. I am. On my son's dime. Because my kid and I care about each other and he's just as depressed not to have his mom around. Of course I'd rather pay my own way.  But I love my kid and of course I'm not going to pass up the chance to travel. Would you?? I'm not exactly going to be hitting up the Tokyo night clubs and gambling in Hong Kong. I expect a lot of it will be walking and sightseeing on my own two feet. Not to mention, public transportation.

"It can't be that bad financially for you, jeesh, stop whining"

I get around $800 disability, and I get no cash help from DSS (welfare), I have to pay my electric bill out of that $800, so yeah, I get a shut off notice every time I turn around. I get HEAP, but thanks again USA, it's delayed, and I can't fill the tank halfway, NYS law, so, nope, sorry. Not that heat will last long, don't forget, no skirting on the trailer.

Oh, and don't forget that $150 something in SNAP benefits that can't be used on things like toilet paper.

So no pets or anything, can't buy food, and good thing I don't smoke, altho I really should, at least I'd have a pleasure of some kind. And I'm not much of a drinker, I've had the same bottle of whiskey for months.

And no car. Even if I can afford the initial cost of the car, I don't have a license, and insurance, not to mention maintaining it and oh, yeah, gas. I get rides, or take public transport when I need to go someplace. I'm self reliant like that.

But please, tell me how you'd make it on less than a grand a month. I'm sure you can solve all my problems instantly.

Of course, this is all obviously my fault. I shouldn't have tried to improve my life 5 years back when I was so happy to get this place. Everyone knows, the poor are poor because they deserve to be.

"Alrighty then Jaie, feel better? Now what?"

I've had enough. I'm over it. I'll be slowly packing up my shit (once my fingers thaw) and storing it, and trying to scrape money together to buy a camper. Hopefully I'll have someplace to stash the camper so that I can stop living like I'm in a third world country. I want to be done with this place by September of 2014.

Do I think that's the best idea EVER? Sure don't. But I don't want to move out of NYS, I still love my home, I even love my country if I got down to the bare facts of it.

But I'm cold, I'm miserable, I'm tired of having to travel for a shower. I'm sick of struggling when the truth is, I don't really have to unless I want to. I gave this trailer 5 years. I've had help from a couple of the most wonderful people in my life, and had big help from another person who is my best friend. But these people have their own problems, and their own lives. My issues should not constantly be popping up and causing problems for them. I want them to come visit, be able to hang out, and not worry that they either are helping me with construction, or can't really hang out in my home because they're getting frostbite on their nose. I want a normal life even if it means living in a camper that is 18 feet long and is hooked up to a hose.  I'd be warm, I'd be able to concentrate on things like losing weight, work on my business, saving up money so that when my son comes home, we can find someplace decent to live near each other.

"Is it all negative? You're so fucking depressing."

I do have good things, I know this has been a great big ball of negative, but really, I do. My health is better than it has been in 5 years, nothing is shutting down, I can breath without a lung collapsing, and I have a kid I'm incredibly proud of. I also feel I've come much farther with my creativity, and that I've been able to do very much with very little. I keep my home as clean as I can considering the issues, I am not going to find cat corpses when I clean out here, because I've slowly been getting rid of things, there's no paths here, there are wide open spaces.

I'm happy with the loves in my life, I have friends that I care deeply about, and I have family that I'm proud of in many ways. I've got the ability to use my brain, I've got thousands of books at my disposal, I am constantly learning.

And for a long time, I had a wonderful man in my life, in the form of a grandfather who made it clear that I could do anything I wanted. And I know that he'd be the last person to allow me to continue living like this. He'd tell me to get my ass out and change things. So that's what I'm gonna do.